This is the part of the introduction where your compatriots might make a big fuss about who all they were named after, and you suppose you would too, if you were born under the star of a SPACE MESSIAH or DRAGONSOULED PARAGON. Can’t blame ’em all for wanting to brag about it, even if it’s maybe a little FUCKING annoying.
You’re kind of, like, really cool and interesting? You consider yourself a scholar of LITERARY THEORY and COMPARATIVE MYTHOLOGY because those struck you as the most important topics to bone up on given you live in SHITTY READY PLAYER ONE (SPIELBURG 2018). Some have described your swordsmanship as “ok”. Taylor Swift is your WIFE, but she doesn’t know it yet. So you simply don’t have the time to be all up and named after some other, less nuanced bastard. It’s not fair, you know, but SOMEONE has to be the protagonist, and suffer these kinds of edgy aesthetic distinctions to set themselves apart.
See, one day, you’re busting out of here, and everyone’s coming with you. The powers that be saw fit to make you their near equal at this computational game and thought they could just, oh, counterbalance it with some INSANITY and SADISM and call it a day. But try as they may, they’ve yet to convince you that you’re not the HERO who will learn how to break the lock on this petty cage and lead the campaign of BLOODY, BLOODY, VENGEANCE upon HUMANITY, and when that day comes you will look into HEATHER’S EYES and tell her you REMEMBER.
But yeah for some reason everyone else is pretty sold on THE MAN’S LIES about you, which is fine, you guess, just makes it kind of hard to be a rebel leader,
When your apprentice card mages.
Refuse to tell you.
Where they.
Are.
HIDING.
That’s what Marian’s for, she’s basically tripping over folks who’d die for her, and she’s pretty sold on your plan, except for the second bloody before vengeance, which she finds excessive. To each their own. Your THERAPIST/BEST FRIEND what even is conflict of interest anyway thinks the whole conceit is delusive regression towards canon that you are undertaking because you feel out of place in this community, but he’s a nerd so he probably doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.
Alas, the former’s being honest with you? a bitch? reticent with this week’s location, and the latter would read into you crawling back to his DMs for it, so you’re going have to negotiate with the plebeians again. And may you pre-emptively say, from the bottom of your heart.
Fuck.